05.21.06
Multiples of me
So, how many of us experience an elongated phase of stagnated melancholy?
Well, I do and this phase engulfs my optimism gives rise to self-demeaning hours and forced emotions. Still tears don’t fall. I don’t know why is it so hard let go off the past somehow it keeps shooting grenades at you. Like that nightmare it keeps haunting you.
Her sleeping brain tosses n turns trying to muffle the endless ramblings. She lies there all clamped up tightening her grip on the black sheet wet with sweat. Her mind devastates her peace with flashes from the buried. All is grey and dark she struggles harder to look the other way. It coming on closer the black mass, all scared she jitters her body dying to wake up. Voices, just above her head tell her to stop trying as they have conquered. Who’s laughing with that deafening shrill make that baby stop crying. Do something is all her head says. But this tumult must go on and on.
For that moment this seems endless yet I know it ends because I have come out of this dark ditch several times. But why I need to go back?
The gnawing stillness of only me breathing in this room, of sleepless nights and empty eyes. And I wonder if this is depression but again I feel its just a state of mind. A forced one? I guess so.
Because I know the way out but maybe this time, I need open arms when I come out. Someone ready to embrace me , hold me and whisper in my ears you are mine.
But would I ever be able to trust the voice completely? Recently I have been having lot of discussion on Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and really I think it exist in all of us.We have multiple shades in our personality that our conditioned by the most important factor “situations”. How can you not ignore the present-scarred by past and with the burden of a future?
Can someone assure me I’ll have a better future? Not the roadside parrots, not the greedy palm readers. Just a premonition from the world beyond?
Well, to tell you the truth I have these visions and mystical voices that do tell me I am ready for good times. But I swear I am not thinking of Kingfisher beer at this moment 
The wait for that island to arrive in this dead sea is self consuming. I hope I don’t lose it any further.
Cry as hard as I would
Tears shan’t fall
Smile’s never die
Yet feels so empty inside
Touch me and you shall
Leave me again
For I am all absorbing
Feeding on happiness
I shall cry out
Pretence and lies
And never would
Trust the good times
Mansi Raj Singh
abhinav said,
May 21, 2006 at 1:29 pm
i am diverting a lil frm d topic….
phases of solitude is smthing dat everyone of us goes thru…
wat it does to each is verrry different. sm beings juss revel in solitude n believe dat it can b d best friend…for silence never lies.
bt d problem lies wen solitude becomes d only friend.
n smtimes simple things like..a careless hug, a simple smile, smone lending an ear cn take u out of dis state..
anoop karkhanis said,
May 21, 2006 at 1:39 pm
Very powerful writing i must say
Describes the feelings of the person writing it in a perfect manner
shows how ppl in such a phase go thru the “confused”..”angry”…….”unhappy” mindset perfectly…really made me think about my own!!!
……its awesome…..a great article
Shirley said,
May 23, 2006 at 1:44 am
Hello. Your writing has touched me today. Although I have never gone through a severe depression, I have been around those who did. I know it is painful. You will get through this time of sorrow and grief. Surround yourself with godly and upright people. They will help you.
I wish you every blessing.
shirley
Animesh said,
May 24, 2006 at 7:22 am
It’s all what you want it to be.
Do you think you live in this world – which you so righteously call ‘real’ – or do you live in your head? You head..where everything stems in. Feelings are never real, you can mould them. you can talk them off, or talk them in. They work both ways. And if depression is a feeling, it is always self-imposed, like any other feeling.
What I believe is: situations are just like a boundary inside which you can shape whatever world you want, only you can’t trespass it. The set is always complete, it depends however, what you choose from that. And what you wish – sometimes inconsciously – to feel.
The great question might be: Are feelings an ‘allusion’ or ‘illusion’? check it.
- Animesh
aruna said,
May 24, 2006 at 4:47 pm
As a child i was always told take contolr ur mind before ur mind contols u, walk with time beore the time makes u run but i completely understand that there are such phases in our lives, most of us if not all , where we hope fr a better life , a better future n push ouselves constantly waitg fr that very dawn to arrive but the wait becomes endless n things go on becoming worse . theres is sooo much we want to do , want to get out of life but somehow the situations mould us destiny hovers on us. We with our own set of feelings desires n emotions , above all expectations which fate does not satisfy are left frustated with life which moves on its own terms.
lol….Time is the best healer ,if nothg wait for things to fade out.!!
great thoughts as always mansiii w th respect to ur mention on personality disorder
omi said,
May 29, 2006 at 8:02 am
hy dear,ur words really r a wonder for me…trust me it helped me a lot nd it seems to have sent vibes inside me brimming with energy nd freshness…thnks
omi said,
May 29, 2006 at 8:04 am
hy dear,ur words really r a wonder for me…trust me it helped me a lot nd it seems to have sent vibes inside me brimming with energy nd freshness…thnks..