June 14, 2006
I lay in hush with no one around,there's nothing much to hear….there's much more that I hear!! The holler of the mute grows louder and louder!! I try to be pithy but my thoughts go digressive!! I feel as if the world is a funny farm where everyone is dotty and I find myself pouting and in sulk. I hear chaos, I hear cry, I see the shadow of sigh, I feel as if my worlds gonna tear apart, if I don't do something!! A sudden flashback rolls and pang reels runs over once again…… The coach says,"You gotta earn ur place in the team,and not just hang around!!". My girl says,"what's wrong with ya ?Just sicker out of the shell and break free". My father says," You will take the family name to mud. Wish I was CHILDLESS!!". My mind rambles over endlessly as my mother comes in to tuck me in my snug. I lay helpless on my bed pondering in the dark about What could I do!!
Am I really wrong?
What is it that I cannot see and others can??
Am I really a 'sissy' as my people call me!!
Answer to all that was unknown to me…..So,I calm myself hoping for the things to get well on there own…..While there I was sucking my thumb AGAIN feeling as if I were back into mom's "matrice"!!!
The next day was even worse, I could sense it already…And that exactly is what it was… The day was one where I got a double whammy..My parents meet my coach & the other teachers…same disappointing speeches from my teachers and same "toneel" of self-portrayal as being helpless from my parents!! Yet again, I return back to the court thinking the consequence of not getting the sports scholarship (my only hope of getting a good colg. for my graduation!!), shattered yet gathering some determination to change it and dust up with myself to deliver!! Suddenly a screeching sound slicing all my thoughts comes from across the court and there it was…….the show time>>>>coach comes in and the practice begins…gawd knows where the aggression in me evanesce and again I failed to impress. The only advantage I could provide to my team was the personal faults scored against me.I knew things had to change soon if I needed the scholarship. And then, there comes the coach but this time with a tender voice he invites me to his cabin. I thought that it was end of me and i would drummed out of my dreams, but i was wrong. I went in with butterflies in my stomach and frog in my throat. Coach asked me to close the door and sit. There he revealed a packet of pills to which he reffered as 'MAGIC PILLS" extreamly potent and virtually undetectable. He said these would change everything. Out of desperation, thinking it as my last chance I quickly accepted the offering as a pig in a poke!!
THE NEXT DAY- Full of piss and vinegar
The next day was different. Instead of letting others paddling my canoe, I was in the drivers seat and it looked like the full monty had turned upside down!! In the court, I got promoted from being mid defensive to full offensive and I begin to reap those fruits that were forbidden for me earlier. As the days went by & sky was the limit for me no more!! I got full scholarship for my colg. Life couldnt be better!! Everyone loved me for the new changes in my personality.
People said that I have finally "arrived".But there was a weight on my chest, a burden that was getting heavier day by day, my dirty secret was yet to be revealed. The prospect that looked as an apple pie was now a pie in the sky!! That magic pill was also an addictive one too. An unresistable carving for the pills again and again drove me towards them!! And i know that I couldn't bail and fancy free myself from the addiction and that I was nothing without the pill.
Between the Devil and the deep blue sea
I was again on a double edged sword!! I had to choose between fame and total dismay!! On one side where my life could be ruined by drug abuse, on the other hand i could loose my much needed scholarship, my fame & pride, my new life and my basketball……..Everything is at stake!! Please help me decide before its too late……………
June 13, 2006
Visions of the beloved ,
private and only mine,
the perfect that all craves for,
the ideal that's "oh so fine"
doubtless i rolled on smugly,
doubtless sisyphus did smile !
and herein amber,
sweet, svelte and rational,
made me wonder
scattered abyssmal dreams
was too much with my rolling stone
ash it was 'twas her
she whispered love and hope,
but the stones ,
the stones she just couldn't see,
amber and ash to ashes.
June 10, 2006
Do you ever get this feeling that no one understands you. The real you, the you that hides deep inside you, that you, you yourself dread? I feel like that. Normally in a day to day life it doesn't show. Its only when I'm depressed, low and lonely that my alinenation
catches up with me.
I have a boyfriend. I know he loves me. I love him too. Maybe i expect too much from him.At times I feel he doesn't understand me. Then I feel he never will be able to. I'm his 4th girlfriend. He my 1st boyfriend. Maybe its the insecurity that kills me. The thought that he has been emotionally and physcially involved with someone before me. His 1st time blues are already over. Were way over before mine started showing signs of existence.
To me meeting him is very important. To him, its his work, work and work. I know hes not two timing me. I'm sure. But that somehow isn't good enough for me. I want him to feel the way I do. Is that expecting to much. Do I need him more than he does. I am an obligation which will soon be over. Did I take the wrong decision in going out with him?
I don't always feel like this you know. But when I do, its not a very nice feeling. I know he says he respects my feelings and a few morals that I have placed in front of him. But maybe respecting them is not enough. You also need to be able to relate to them. If he cant relate to my beliefs and I can't relate to him. I will only feel more alienated with him.
Maybe its all wrong. Maybe I think too much. But at the end of the day I can't help it. I don't know what the future hols for me. He lives too much in the future. I can't help but think that if the present isn't right, how will the future be?
June 8, 2006
Life has its own rules…just keep playing
I don’t know where I am heading off too, I dont remember where I began from, where I wanted to go upto and what is it that I am searching. If its happiness then it has many forms, means different to different people, if its success -its shortlived and if its satisfaction – its neverending…
I have often changed my mind too soon, tried my hand at most trades so does that leave me as jack of all trades or is there something far above than all this which I am not able to realize, the real satisfaction -the real stability. I have mastered the art of taking risks and experimentation but my passion still remains unexplored…..
All I have done so far is that i have just moved on with time, behind time and sometimes ahead of time only to live it another time. I have complained, sulked , cribbed ,wondered ,questioned but then I have still moved on , moved on to sit and think over all that has happened and still worry what would happen .
But," what will happen, will happen", life unfolds in its own course, with its own set of rules which with time come to us as situations and circumstances and maybe moments…
Today if I look back , there are some moments to shed tears and others to laugh away, some i would want to hold on to and some i wishes never came my way .Life plays a game of balance – when , what , how and why are individual questions. if one watches life carefully one will understand that we all get everything but not in the same proportion and around the same time. Some get it early; some get it after lot of struggle. Some have a great childhood, some find peace in their old age, some are successful in their adulthood, some make good money in their middle age. Each of us go thru struggling for our right time and right moves.
So where life hurts, pricks and plays…Time is the best healer. This thought is just to promote the idea that there is a stage in one's life where one gets restless and finds no sense of direction in one’s aims but then that life, with its own rules. All you can do is just keep playing with a belief in yourself and positive thinking.
Live life before life leaves you…
June 3, 2006
After days of stagnation and dragging on, the warrior is back. Thanks to Metallica?!
I guess! rock is in my blood now. My eyes have that fire back in them. Who’s afraid of being alone now?
Bah! Loneliness I leave you to your fate!
In the ditch in the drain
I hail back with the mightiest sword
Come misery and I shall slash your roots
Look straight on my face
Feel the disgrace
I am fighting again
Fighting crying eyes
Look deeper than I might
Break away the sad mind
Feel the force behind
The fighting crying eyes
Sadness no more
Fight back and galore
Time for annihilation
Some kind of war
Fighting the crying eyes
Mine is the face of rebel
Crushing the devil
Rising above the hell
Fighting the crying eyes
No more, No more
Tears no further
Rock in my blood
Rock in my heart
Rocking the messed up
Fighting the depression
Always I am the rock
Always I am the rock
Fighting the crying eyes
Trust me its just no use lying in that darkness. You just need a spark to get the melancholy buster out in the open. I found my way; from deep within, I am peaceful but the rockchick rocks still! And that’s the way it should be. You can’t go around cleaning up the surface and stay as stinky within. Clean up your system, throw the mess out and hey you go a new and improved you!
Want to learn how to go about it? Ask yourself, who you really are? The emotions will take care, pull you down but don’t remain there fight them and rise above!
It really is about fighting!
But hey life is good! Don’t mess it up too much aye ;)
Who says I need intoxicants, dude I am high on life :)
Mansi Raj Singh